Intimacy Do’s and Don’ts

We certainly learned a lot this week of how our intimate relationships should or should not be. The church has provided a number of articles, quotes, and advice from our leaders to give us a firm grip on expectations for our behavior in marriage.

As a busy mother, I didn’t always take time to listen carefully to conference talks, as it is difficult when chasing little ones in the halls. Also being extremely tired, reading the Ensign was one of the last things I on my list. That is my fault, and I tried, but missed many admonitions and guidance. I would hope young mothers of today might try and make learning from our leaders first.

A gift

I have not thought of the parable of the talents being applicable to intimacy. Jesus said: “For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.”  We are responsible for that we have been given. Learning how to develop our relationship, making it meaningful is up to us. We have been taught from our readings that marriage is a school for love. If we put our efforts in to turning towards each other, we can say that we tried to increase what was a gift to us. 

 

Be One and Be Fruitful

President Kimball has observed: “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’” (Quoting Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974, p. 7.)

Your cheating heart.

There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22).

And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: “Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.”

The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.

        Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972) 142-43.

Spiritual Fidelity

Stop thinking in terms of emotional infidelity and instead use the phrase, “spiritual fidelity.” This phrase underscores the seriousness of the choices we make because it recognizes the eternal potential of our marital relationships as well as the importance of acting in accordance with the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Spiritual fidelity also causes us to consider the sacred covenants we have made in the temple and how the very nature of our thoughts and deeds can undermine those covenants. In other words, if a person is unfaithful spiritually he is not honoring his temple covenants even though he has not committed physical acts of intimacy.

Successful marriages benefit from honest personal assessment of our relationships—both with our spouses and with others. In evaluating whether you have need for improved spiritual fidelity, ask yourself the following questions.

·         “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

·         “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

·         “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

·         “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

·         “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

·         “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?” 

·         “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

·         “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Matheson, K.W.  Fidelity in marriage: It's more than you think. Ensign, Sept. 2009, 13-16.

The Savior’s Atonement not only has the power to cleanse us but also to change and purify our hearts (Mosiah 4:2; 5:2). As we seek heaven’s help, we can regain and maintain spiritual fidelity. God can give people the power to confess, connect, and change.

All Good Things Must Come To an End.

As the semester is almost finished, we have gotten to the end of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. I really like the way Dr. Gottman finishes his book. He tells us by having gratitude each day for our world around us, the blessings we receive each day, and expressing thankfulness for the things your spouse does will make life joyful. This will create warmth within ourselves, be an example to our children, and spread to all we know. People enjoy being around a person who extrudes positive energy.

From this book I have learned many ways to make marriage more meaningful and help our relationship to blossom.

·         Take time to ask questions which allow us to really know and understand a person.

·         Always remember why we fell in love as a couple. Review with pictures and memories of days gone by to create warm feelings.

·          Give admiration and true praise, which builds fondness between us.

·         Make time to do things together to make more memories and grow our friendship.

Raise the Bar!

A study by Donald Baucom suggests that your expectations of your marriage be high. He also stated that a couple will be happier if they refuse to accept negativity and stop it in each other. Carefully watch for signs of growing apart each day. Nurture our relationship daily to avoid having to patch up serious damage later. By spending time together connecting, working through problems along the way, laughing together, having goals together, and supporting each other can only enhance our marriage. That is the life Heavenly Father wishes for us.

Heaven is Where We Want to Be!

I also enjoyed the spiritual lift from reading Dr. Goddard’s book: “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage”. Having the gospel a part of this class makes so much sense. How simple is the message of having the Lord as a partner in a marriage. It is the way to love purely and rise above the petty problems which make relationships unsteady. When we have the pure love of Christ as our guide, we cannot find fault in others. Charity allows all other gospel principles to be in our lives.

He writes that charity, or the pure love of Christ, is not artificial good cheer, a thin veneer of politeness, or while holding our tongues, we judge and resent in our mind. These are the way of a natural man, and we have a choice to live better than that. Satan would have our families a shamble, winning any way he can. What works well, is for family members begin to pick others apart. To find fault and thinking how much better one is over the other. With the pure love of Christ, that won’t happen. We need to pray for that love every day for ourselves and our family.

                                             



Elder Oaks explains what charity is:

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-08-3255-charity-the-pure-love-of-christ?lang=eng

Who’s your Neighbor?        

We have been taught about forgiveness this week. It is an important principle the Savior has asked us to do. When he commanded us to “Love your neighbor”, he didn’t say to only love them when they do what we think is OK by our standards. Because our spouse is the most important neighbor we have, we need to love and forgive them beyond the usual expectations. Working together, a couple can solve their ongoing conflicts through forgiveness and repentance.

Perpetual or Solvable?

Dr. Gottman said that there are only two kinds of marital conflict: they are either perpetual or solvable. Marriages that are able to cope with a perpetual problem can be successful: Avoid situations that make them worst, and Develop strategies and routines that help ease them.

But many times a perpetual problem becomes gridlocked. See if any of the following are in your marriage:

·         The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.

·         You keep talking about it but make no headway.

·         You become entrenched in your positions, unable to budge.

·         When you discuss the subject, you feel more hurt and frustrated.

·         Your conversations about the problem have no humor or affection.

·         You become more entrenched in your view, which leads you to vilify each other.

·         You become even more polarized, unable to compromise because of this vilification.

·         Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.

Soft is a four letter word.

Solvable problems can begin with what is called a soft start-up, with four parts using the “I” statements.

1.     “I share some responsibility for this…”

2.    Here’s how I feel…

3.      About a specific situation and…

4.    What I need…

Soften up, harsh words don’t help anyone. Swearing or yelling is despicable. Talk to your spouse as kind as you do your good friends.  

Beware of Pride!

In 1989 Pres. Benson gave a talk in April General Conference. He said the topic of pride had been “weighing heavily” on his soul for some time, and that the Lord wanted him to speak of it. He tells us of pride that has torn marriages apart, of church members that are offended and they can’t be humble enough to forgive, of those with hearts that keep them from serving a mission, of those who are not attending the temple for time wasted on prideful pursuits, and of those unable to confess sins: adding to the greatest sin of pride. He calls it "The Universal sin".

Am I guilty of Pride?   

Often we hear we should have pride in our work, meaning to do a good job. Yet do some get carried away and it becomes a completion of who can do better? A few years ago the Brethren had to ask that no visual aids be used when giving talks for Sacrament meetings. It was becoming a side show of who could present the most amazing production, taking away from the message of words. As President Benson put it: “To elevate ourselves above others and diminish them”. President Utchdorf gave an example in the past conference of a sister who stayed up all night to finish a quilt which would be used in her lesson. Pride would not allow her not to finish the visual aid. He said the word in the middle of this magnificent work said “Simplify”.  Am  I guilty of putting too much time into my visual aids and handouts for my Relief Society lesson? Part of sharing items or pictures is to get the sisters to remember the message, but I see that much of it might only be for praise for a good lesson”. Hummm, can I still have a great lesson and simplify? (I still have to include chocolate!)

Be humble.

In this talk President points out that pride has the core of opposition, or hatred.  It is a fact that it is difficult for someone to accept what God wants them to do if they aren’t humble. Wanting God to do it our way actually shows him that we don’t love him. He also tells us that “looking up” from the bottom is being prideful. If we criticize those who have more than us and covet what others have we are using enmity towards our brothers and sisters.

The antidote for pride is humility- a broken heart and contrite spirit for any relationship (See Alma 7:23).

Pride has gotten beyond what President Benson saw in the 80”s. The “me” factor has become even more so today. As far as marriage is concerned, sacrifice for others is no longer the norm. If the relationship isn’t bringing satisfaction and totally exciting fulfillment for the self, then some feel that it is time to move on to find what they think is missing from their marriage. How sad, for this prevents the best part of marriage; years of creating a forever friendship with your mate. 

As Robert Browning said in his poem: “Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be…