Jump? How High?

This week we turned towards each other for enhancing our marriage. Dr. Gottman explained how each day we simply are there for each other. We notice when our mate needs help, or when asked, we jump on the request. All these little moments help us to put emotional brownie points into our relationship. 

"This principle is based on the idea of staying connected, and positively so. Turning towards each other in small interactions builds romance and connection beyond the cushioning of stresses - it is the small and regular interactions of turning towards each other. ("http://hametapel.com/gottman.htm for questionaire on your marriage).

The World wasn’t built in a Day.

I like that great works are created by small trivial moments. Just as the world was created day by day, for the foundation needed for the glory of man to live on earth, we too can build our world of marriage by the small gestures of love. It doesn’t happen because one person “turns toward” the other for one day. I read a paper describing a student trying an experiment for over a period of time. His efforts to do activities of his wife’s choosing created a wonderful reaction from her. He was happier as she was happier, and then she in turn gave him added freedom for activities he wanted to do.

This was also true in a story by Martha Arnell. Her ability to be a “cheerleader” to her husband in his activities of hunting and running created “shared meaning” to their marriage. They built an inner life together, having their own culture as a family.

The Mans Got Game!

In my marriage it seems that all I have to do is mention a need, and if my husband isn’t watching a Laker game, he is there to do my bidding. As his wife, I know that he will need time for the game, and I won’t bother him. After being married for so long, I can pretty much know what he needs before he says so. It comes from observation. I love the Sherlock Homes quote: “You see, but you do not observe”. If we are “turning towards” our mate, then we will see needs and fill them. It doesn’t happen if we don’t listen to what the other isn’t saying. Just as a new mom eventually can tell what different cries of her baby mean, we can tune into our needs of our partner.

Charity Never Faileth!

Having Christ in our marriage turns our minds to charity, and trying to emulate his ability of pure love. If we truly strive for that characteristic, we will rise above the petty daily problems, and see the goal of being together for eternity. Why would we allow any abrasive attitude to keep us from that goal? My daughter-in-law grew up in a strict home. She was amazed one time when rough housing broke a lamp, I shrugged and said it was only a lamp. Having four boys allowed a Nerf basketball net hung from the loft, wrestling, and such in the house. The house was secondary to the worth of my sons, and our eternal family relationship. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5OdpPodpNY  Watch Dr. Gottman talk on the 7 principles to make marriage work! 

Heart and Soul                                                        

 What does it mean to apply the principles of obedience and sacrifice to our marriage? Goddard says we must keep the commandments to be obedient, whether or not our partner does. Yet, we must love them with all our heart. We can’t pick what we love and what we don’t. When we devote our time and energy to our marriage, this is a sacrifice that gives us feelings that lift us. The spirit that comes from giving is like a helium balloon that makes us happy. If give without heart and soul, then it is not true sacrifice, and the spirit is missing.

Pure Love.

This involves the pure love of Christ. Our sacrifice is to go beyond what we would like to change in our partner. It is acceptance of what we are given. This month’s visiting teaching message found in the Ensign is about this “Charity”:

The Guide to the Scriptures defines charity as “the highest, noblest, strongest kind of love” (“Charity”). It is the pure love of Jesus Christ. As we learn of Jesus Christ and strive to become like Him, we will begin to feel His pure love in our lives and be prompted to love and serve others as He would. “Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down,” said President Thomas S. Monson. “It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others.”  (Charity Never Faileth, Ensign, November, 2019)

Remember the good times?

Why did you marry your partner? Did you expect to change them to be what you thought they should be? Or have you simply forgotten when love was simple. Instead of focusing on faults, we need to create an attitude which can foster admiration and fondness. Some ways to do that are:

• ·         Taking time to remember all you found good in your mate when you dated and married them for, can bring back that loving feeling.
• ·         Make sure you make time together each week. Talk! Discover each other’s feelings, wishes, fears, etc.
• ·         Look at pictures or videos from your time together, especially wedding memories. Remember the love and the fun!
• ·         Laugh together!!! Remember how much you did while dating?

“A good marriage is not about skills. It is about character“(Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage. Pg. 52).

What’s in your character?

A Change of Heart, or Putting off the Natural Man.

This week we began to read from “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard. His premise is that our relationships can be changed by eternal doctrines. By using gospel principles, we can put off the natural selfish person within us, and begin to have a change of heart to truly love every person in our lives.

As we are commanded to marry; so of course the person we want to love the most would be our spouse. A scripture he give us speaks of our natural state:

“For the natural [spouse] is an enemy to God [and his or her partner], and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to enticing of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord” (Mosiah 3:19)

He tells us that all our problems are untimely spiritual and can be solved by the great healer, Jesus. Through Dr. Goddard’s writings we can learn how to turn from our self-serving/centered ways to improve our marriage to be eternal worthy.

Whaaaats Up?

The best questions he wants us to ask is not why we are being treated badly or misunderstood, but what is going on for the other person:

• ·         “I wonder if I can understand why this is important to my partner.
• ·         What is my partner really telling me?
• ·         I wonder if I can understand their pain?
• ·         Can I get God to help me get beyond myself in order to understand my spouse?
• ·     How would the Good Samaritan minister to my partner?”

This Book Is Awesome!!!

We are also reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John M. Gottman, Even after forty-eight years of a fun marriage, I have hopes for learning and being able to implement expertise into my marriage. I am so surprised that I haven’t seen this man up to this point. Who knew, right? Watch him on YouTube, he has some good points. It's never too late to make your marriage better!

Friends Forever

Gottman says it is very important to be friends. When a couple are good friends, they can really make a marriage great! My husband is my best friend: Laughing together, inside jokes, and memories of vacations are things that we do to build that friendship. Are you friends with your spouse???  If not, get to know them. The book has exercises to find out who you really married. Fun!!

Families can be together forever!

• Throughout history, the Lord has commanded His people to build temples.
• Temples are literally houses of the Lord.
• They are holy places of worship where individuals make sacred promises with God.

Oakland LDS temple: where we were married for not only time, but for eternity.

"…And he blew the house down".

In a talk by Elder Hafen, he spoke of three wolf which can bring down a marriage. Number one is everyday adversity which can make or break us. Number two is our own imperfections, which we may build up or tear down our relationship by how we treat each other. He tells us that “the third wolf is the excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes”. This seems to be the most dangerous “wolf” for society as a whole. Living for self rather than for the family allows distance to seep into a marriage. When feelings of “me first” becomes the attitude, then the next step is wanting out of the marriage for more freedom. Also it prevents some from even committing to marriage at all.

What can we learn from the Pope?

 In April Conference Elder Perry reported of his participation in a colloquium on marriage and family at the Vatican in Rome, Italy. He shared this:

“Pope Francis opened the first session of the assembly with this statement: “We now live in a culture of the temporary, in which more and more people are simply giving up on marriage as a public commitment. This revolution in manners and morals has often flown the flag of freedom, but in fact it has brought spiritual and material devastation to countless human beings, especially the poorest and most vulnerable. … It is always they who suffer the most in this crisis.”
In referring to those of the rising generation, he said it is important that they “do not give themselves over to the poisonous [mentality] of the temporary, but rather be revolutionaries with the courage to seek true and lasting love, going against the common pattern”; this must be done.”

There is a special love that develops over years of marriage. Not only is it comfortable knowing the needs and likes of a mate, but deep respect for each other gives peace and joy each day being together. Sitting close either reading or watching a movie just feels good. If you fell in love in the beginning, don't you want that love to go on forever?                                                                                                                 

Are you better off by being married?

As New York Times columnist David Brooks said: “People are not better off when they are given maximum personal freedom to do what they want. They’re better off when they are enshrouded in commitments that transcend personal choice—commitments to family, God, craft and country.”

I believe we can develop in many ways when we stick together as a family. We can learn from each other as we weave memories through great and tough times. The family is the vehicle in which we can travel to be together forever. 

What’s in a Definition?

This week I read many articles about same-sex marriage, and how the LGBT in its agenda has forged ahead to change the definition of “marriage”. That it does not mean only between a man and a woman, but includes any union. Hey, I am sure some would love to marry their dog!  

Their desire is to vilify opponents of the definition, “ replace the mainstream’s self-righteous pride about its homophobia with shame and guilt…We intend to make the anti-gays look so nasty that average Americans will want to dissociate themselves from such types.”

Tolerance for all?

The problem with their goal is that they don’t just want equal rights, they want all of us to change our social values. “Live and let live” is not enough for them. Also It is a “in your face” attitude extruding from any successful attempt to gain those rights.  Why should it be OK for their lifestyle to be tolerated by those believing marriage should be between a man and a woman, but they can’t tolerate those who hold to that belief? Dallin H. Oaks has observed, “Tolerance does not require abandoning one’s standards or one’s opinions on political or public policy choices. Tolerance is a way of reacting to diversity, not a command to insulate it from examination.”

I want to walk like you, talk like you…NOT!

What gives the “right” of any organization to redefine a word to advance an agenda, as outlined in an article titled, “The Overhauling of Straight America”?  A word that has been recognized understood and defined by traditions. A theme that cuts across religions and governments.

Obviously we all have a right to voice our opposing view, just as the LGBT has the right to express theirs. Yet life is changing because of their “loud voice”. Many have drawn the line, and are suffering in the name of tolerance. Lawsuits just to show muscle?  I would say that if the real issue were benefits associated with the term marriage, then separate that out and provide it under a different name.  How about Gay Union?   

However as I see it, this is not the real issue; it is a wedge to open the door to what the LGBT leadership really wants… moral acceptance. That the lifestyle they live and practice must be honored by God and man alike, even if it isn’t how we feel.

Why marriage between a man and woman only?

Some quotes to tell why I feel what the definition of marriage should be:

·         In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles proclaim that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” When a man and woman are married in the temple, their family can be together forever. https://www.lds.org/topics/marriage?lang=eng

·         A special bond is created when marriage brings a man and a woman together. “Marriage is a comprehensive union. It unites spouses at all levels of their being: hearts, minds, and bodies, where man and woman form a two-in-one-flesh union. It is based on the anthropological truth that men and women are distinct and complementary, on the biological fact that reproduction requires a man and a woman, and on the sociological reality that children benefit from having a mother and a father. As the act that unites spouses can also create new life, marriage is especially apt for procreation and family life.” 
 http://www.nationalreview.com/article/378538/marriage-where-do-we-go-here-ryan-t-anderson

 It is joyful to have watched my sons grow, find good wives, and provide many grandchildren. We are all linked to our progenitors and know our heritage. As the song goes, ”We are family”!